July 01, 2009

about yesterday


Reflecting on yesterday's post... and not spending enough time... or letting moments slip through the grasp of my fingers and my heart... I am realizing that perhaps I was wrong. Because turning the pages of these precious baby books, I wrote Laura, you are magic... your eyes dance and I just want to hug you. and Camden, I love you... everything about you. I never seem to want to put you down... and it brings all of it back in a rush. Perhaps not as clear a memory as I would like... but my memory is not as young as I would like. It has been splashed over and rolled upon the shore... like a piece of glass tossed to the waves. The edges are somehow smooth and dull... the surface worn. But inside... the visions are clear and shiny and seem touched by a ray of the sun... I just needed to look beyond what I see and take a deeper breath. Because in there... beauty lives. The feeling of her smooth little head under the palm of my hand... her chicken legs and her tiny hands reaching for her mouth. The quiver of a tiny chin, the sound of the silliest laugh, and his soft hair. I might not recall the scent of them... but my heart knows I loved to breath in their softness. And their little words and giggles... I might not be able to repeat them... but my soul remembers how I loved the sounds. So yesterday is where it should be. Tucked away in pages and hearts and dreams. Because without the dulled memories, maybe I couldn't be the Mom who is letting go, bit by bit, urging their independence to grow and their wings to unfurl. Because these two... my young lady on the verge of young adulthood, and my dear boy taking steps towards being a young man, they show me that I gave of myself when they were babies. For how else could they reach for my hand, and know it would be there just waiting... or lay a head on my shoulder and know where it will just fit? And so I know... it shouldn't be about yesterday and its regrets... it should be about today... and all of the tomorrows yet to be...

10 comments:

Busy Bee Suz said...

Oh, you know how to bring the tears don't you?!?!?!?
Beautifully written...the letting go is just hurting me lately too. I need some super-power strength!!!

Grandma J said...

they will always be your babies in your heart.

Richella said...

". . . my soul remembers. . . "

You said this JUST RIGHT! Your soul does remember, doesn't it? I'm with you here, sister.

Yesterday's post and today's post are both so beautiful. Thank you for sharing your heart.

Mylestones said...

Dawn-you've gotta stop doing this to me! It's too early in the day for me to get all weepy!
I do love the last line about our focus not being on the past, but on today and the tomorrows to come. Thanks-
Jo

melissa said...

wow, dawn. that was simply beautiful. thank you for writing!

deb said...

I'm with you in those words Dawn, caught in the guilt of not treasuring enough, and the urge to hold too tight. You seem to be getting it right.. a gift to your children.

Shellmo said...

So beautiful and touching - you are a very loving mom!!

Bee said...

I read this a few days ago and had a hard time responding because I've felt this feeling so many times. Especially since she's so grown up now; 20 years old and moving out. There are so many times I want to re-live, to do right. To be more in the moment.

But you're right. Maybe I can't remember all of the details. But I've never forgotten how totally in love with her I am. And I must have been in the moment enough, because she still comes to me, to sit on my bed, to put her head on my shoulder and tell me all about it.

Darn it, I'm all teary eyed again.

jenn said...

I love, love this post--beautiful!

Wendi said...

WOW! You said EXACTLY how I feel every single day. I'm trying so hard to capture every moment while also remembering to actually live in the moment because EVERY moment..even the mundane ones...seems so spectacular in a never-gonna-have-it-again kinda way. I find myself wanting to hold on but also excited to see what tomorrow will bring. I really loved your line, "So yesterday is where it should be." I have to remember that!