March 04, 2009

falling short, second guessing and the learning curve

How many days are there... that I look back and see… that I have missed the mark? Or maybe… how many times a day do I realize, try as I might… that once again I have fallen short? Fallen short of my goal… fallen short of my own expectations… fallen short of God’s plan for me?

I was fallen from the first…

I suppose I am thankful that He expects it… for He knows that I cannot even come close to perfection. Maybe it is not what He wants from me anyway. Perhaps, it is where He expects me to grow.

I am not a stranger to the darkness…

I am not a worrier, but I am a second guesser. I step out with a plan, be it mine, or His… and there I am looking over my shoulder. Was this the right path? Should I have taken a left where I had thought Certainly right? Sometimes I simply walk… with no thought at all… just moving forward to my destination… without considering the consequences at all. And when I finally take that glance back behind me… I realize that I have messed up. Again. I have not asked all of the questions. I have not left my ducks neatly in their row.

From the ashes and the dirt…

I am thankful… that so far… the only one to suffer has been me. I am the one who feels that sting behind my eyes… that will soon lead to tears. I am the one who clutches her stomach, due to the pit that has settled there as a reminder. Why did I not ask for help? Why did I not listen to that soft tap that surely must have been God’s hand on my shoulder?

You fashion beauty from the wounds I’ve carried…

Because I am still learning. And apparently, there is quite a learning curve. And it seems I must live my mistakes… own them… and adjust. I will learn to ask the right questions when my daughter is planning an outing. I am new at this… and I want to be that Mom who sends her children off confidently into their teen years. But I need to remember to ask more than who is going… and where. And although I don't feel justified in this, I am pretty new at being a cop’s wife, too. But I should have thought beyond myself… and realized it might be hours before he was able to come home… to our son. Yes, he was taken care of… but who should have been the caretaker? Me. His Mom.

Nothing lost, and all redeemed in You.

I am so thankful for forgiveness… I know I need only ask it of my Creator, and it is mine. It should erase the need for me to forgive myself… since He has already erased it from existence. But here I am… still in need. If I listen closely though… I can hear His voice… calling. And His hand is surely resting there… on my shoulder.

Beautifully broken in Your eyes
You see the man my sins disguise
You took my place
You saved my life
Miraculouse love, sweet sacrifice
Beautifully broken.

lyrics from Beautifully Broken by Beautiful Republic

4 comments:

K said...

I think the best you can do is learn from your mistakes.

I definitely have times I've fallen short. I just not to make the same mistake twice.

Lovely post.

Busy Bee Suz said...

We all fall short....sometimes daily. We learn, move on and try our best. You are such a great, wonderful and loving person...don't be so hard on yourself. really. You rock!! God knows this too.
He told me so.

Jen said...

I have wasted too much time beating myself up.
I never game myself time to take care of me so that I could properly take care of others.
It took 50 years to learn this.

Songbirdtiff said...

Oh dear. I'm also one who seems to have to learn from my own mistakes.

I also wanted to let you know I finally got your CD out yesterday. You should have it tomorrow or Monday.