September 17, 2009

honestly...

Once and a while I stop to look at my life... and realize that I am not the person that I dreamed I would be. Like most other young women, I dreamed I would be that perfect Mom. The Mom who changes d├ęcor with the seasons. The Mom who never yells. The Mom who teaches her kids how to cook, then lets them have free reign in the kitchen. The Mom who has all of the kids over to her house. The Mom that keeps everything nice and tidy... and puts on a fabulous spread at dinner time. Are there Moms out there like this? Yes... I suppose there are.

Often... I wonder how people look at me and think I am this woman. Sure, it is a compliment that someone might think I have it all together... but is it reality? Not for me. Sure... I can pull off some extraordinary things. The best red velvet cupcakes you ever ate. A Mexican feast fit for a rowdy group of friends. Beautifully decorated cakes. Creative Halloween costumes. There are people who refer to me as “Martha Stewart.” A compliment? I suppose. But reality? Nope. Because anything extraordinary takes a great deal of effort to pull off... and I seriously do not have the motivation or the stamina to keep it up on a daily basis.

I am the Mom who has a pile of dirty dishes in the sink. I am the Mom who doesn’t keep her dust bunnies in the corner, but lets them race across the floor. I am the Mom who can’t seem to finish a Bible study that I really wanted to complete… and the Mom who hardly ever just sits with God. I am certainly thankful that He is gracious enough to put up with this... and He lets me talk to Him all day long. Lately I think... I am the Mom who needs a really good cry.

I am who I am. The girl God designed me to be… and while I am accepting her here and now, I am hoping that He isn’t quite finished with me yet. So... I am not the person I dreamed I would be… and I’m okay with that. God has a better plan that I could ever dream anyway. And He is at work in me… everyday. He makes me real. Honestly… who could ask for more?

Still wonerin' why I'm here. Still wrestling with my fear
But oh... He's up to something,
And the farther out I go, I've seen enough to know that I'm not here for nothin'
He's up to somethin'

There is hope, for me yet, because God won't forget, all the plans he's made for me
I have to wait and see, he's not finished with me yet, he's not finished with me yet

-Lyrics from Brandon Heath's Wait and See


Thanks, Kat...
for this award. That I inspire you is a gift... to my heart.

10 comments:

julie said...

darn it! i was about to send you this same award! rats! i love this post! i totally get where you are because i am there too! thanks for being so honest! and congrats on the award!

Busy Bee Suz said...

Of course he is not finished with you yet, but don't expect perfection. No one is perfect. I don't think I could love you as much if you were any different than the woman you are today. dust bunnies and all. If you name them, they become pets you know. ;)

Jo@Mylestones said...

Dawn, I SO get what you mean. Says the lady who doesn't even have "decor" let alone stuff that changes each season.
And the lady who brought Sam's Club cupcakes to school. My inner bully beat up my inner Martha Stewart a long time ago. :-)

Kelli said...

I'm with you on this!! God is so good! He knows and understands! Thanks for sharing of yourself!!!

Ruby Red Slippers said...

He is not finished with any of us-and if I was judged on just one aspect of my life-I would have been fired a long time ago...please ignore the dishes in my sink, or the not so tasty food I make...
:)

Kat said...

Yes, this is why I love you. You can take something titled "Honest Scrap" and turn it into a lovely post!

And I just have to say, I now have that Brandon Heath song in my head. It may be there all day ;)

Oh, and can you BELIEVE that I'm the winner at Jen's! On my birthday and everything! The Lord is smiling on me today :)

jenn said...

Gosh Dawn--I had my life all mapped out--I could go into what I thought the plan was going to be, but none of it really happened. Well, maybe some of it, but not in the order it was supposed to happen. But I am really blessed and it all happens for a reasons. There were times I didn't think the Lord was with me at all and I wasn't with him and then looking back, that is when he was with me the most and I am thankful!

You are such an inspiration! I have enjoyed getting to know you and even though our lives aren't perfect--you have many gifts and a gift for sharing!

love--jenn

Jen said...

What a beautiful depiction of your faith!

K said...

I don't think anybody's life turns out exactly the way they dreamed. But sometimes...maybe it turns out even better?

(Honestly, I think THAT mom would be pretty boring. I'll take real life any day.)

Baby Rocket Dog and Hootie said...

Dear Dawn, It's been a while since you made me cry, so I guess it was overdue today.

We try our best and depend on Jesus to smooth out all those rough edges that are inevitably there.I have never felt like I was best or even that good at anything, but for some unknown reason God gave me Patrick who seems to think I'm #1. When he looks at me the way he does after almost 21years of marriage I want to shout, "I don't deserve this wonderful man!"---but figure God must have given him to me cuz he knows I have never felt worthy of anything. (Please edit this if I've gotten too wordy!) X-Cassie