May 02, 2009

the ugliness in me

Sometimes the breath in me sinks down... sinks so far down in me that tears pool at my eyes and there is a gnawing at my heart. I let it happen... I let the hurt and the disappointment and the loneliness and the anger overwhelm my soul. I know the way out... I know how to once again catch my breath and let my soul rise up again... but sometimes I don't, or won't, take those necessary steps. I might begin the prayer... but then I realize that I am not ready to let it go... I am not ready to put it in God's hands and I am not ready to forgive. And if I know... He knows. And the gnawing becomes stronger and the pain physical, instead of just emotional. My fault... I let it happen. I don't know why... I just do. Used to be I could fill that space... where my soul used to be. I could fill it with food or with treasures off of a shelf... but not anymore. I tried to wander the aisles of JoAnn's looking for something to ease the hurt.... but I know... that God has changed me and there is nothing there that would satisfy my need. No quick fix... and He calls me. There is a place though... where I can go to sustain me... until I am ready to pray with sincerity. I raced there today... asking God not for forgiveness to begin, but for what I needed to bridge my way there. Please, don't let me be to late... please... let her still be there... please. He must have known my desperation... must have felt my heart's most immediate need... because I made it... and there she was. My mother's arms set me free... to cry, to rage, to tumble down into a dark abyss, safely, and then emerge again. I don't want to be ugly and full of dirt and darkness... but there I was. And her arms helped me through it and helped me find a place where I was ready to travel the rest of the way... to God's palm... where I sit and confess. He has made me into this person... the one who can't find peace anywhere but here... and I am thankful. And also thankful for the rest stop along the way...

5 comments:

K said...

An excellent post.

reliv4life said...

this is so beautiful. I am so glad that He meets us exactly where we are - even when we aren't ready to follow, He is with us all the way...

Rosemarie said...

Your words never cease to amaze me, inspire me, and make me feel like anything is possible if you only believe.

The Mrs. said...

I teared up reading this...so often I let these things eat me up and steal my joy, when I know just what will satisfy the need. Thanks for these words, they mean so much in personal valleys, to know that someone else struggles with this, too. Have a good week!

Life with Kaishon said...

Wow. Profound.