a skip in my step

Moments before I headed out the door this morning, I announced to Eric It's my birthday! He looked at me, with a lot of thinking in his face... until I excitedly added ...at work! He said he just thought I had gone crazy...
So, no.
Today is not my birthday... but it is coming... soon!
And the gals at work know... you gotta spread out the celebrating.
So off I went to work... with a skip in my step. Because birthdays are good. Yes... they are. Birthdays celebrate the uniqueness of an ordinary day... and as Elizabeth would say, they mark another trip around the sun (don't you just love that?!) And then there is the cake!
Yes.
Birthdays are good.

standing in

Sometimes I feel like an impostor in my own life. Me... but not. The outside might appear to be the girl bearing my heart... but on the inside, the heart of me feels covered in sticky goo. A pretender in my very own self. The truth of it is... this Advent season is not going the way I planned. The way I wanted it to. And certainly not the way that Jesus deserves it to go. Here I am... the whole mess of me, sitting in the cobwebs left over from Halloween (that truthfully, I have been saving since... March?) I stood in church this morning just begging for that beautiful pink candle to light up my heart and overcome me... but I think the molasses from last week's gingerbread has pretty well coated me over. Funny... a Mom knows best, right? Just the other night my Mom told me she was worried that I was doing to much. No! I am doing fine! Only the things I want to do and I am ahead of the game! Shopping all but done! cards done!
Funny...
how a Mom knows.
Last year it all hit me on the second Sunday of Advent. So I made it to week three this year... but for the life of me, I can't figure out if that is good or bad. I suppose it just is. Regardless, here I am, the great celebrator of Advent... and I'm not.
Remember that PowerPoint I am doing for our Sunday School program? Somehow it just dawned on me that it is "due" Saturday. Yes. This Saturday. So guess what I was doing at 5:09 this morning? Yep. Learning how to make a PowerPoint. And Wednesday night? We have the Band Boosters coming for a budget meeting... and dinner. At least it is motivation to vacuum up the pine needles and Easter Dust bunnies. This weekend still has some life to it, and I am already wondering how I will even make it to the next.
Smiling bright. Every hair in place. Saying all the right things. An impostor. Like a shepherd standing in for a lost wise man... hoping that nobody will notice that he is without a crown. Hoping that the love in his overloaded heart will start to light up and blind them towards his flaws. Hoping... anyway.
Breathe.
In.
Out.
Confession is good for the soul. Spitting it all out somehow makes way for the good stuff... like Jesus coming in with a warm soapy cloth and washing my heart of its stickiness... and giving me the patience to figure out Power Point. It leaves my heart a little lighter... and perhaps I will actually be able to enjoy those photos, instead of being overwhelmed by them. Because in them... I can see the story. And where I want to be. Curled up next to the sheep... gazing at the Shepherd.

i want you to know...

Today... I needed to bake a few more sweets.
Need? Well... yes! A peppermint swirl cake(with peppermint hot fudge)for dinner at a friend's house and red velvet cupcakes for another friend's birthday tomorrow.
So the extent of my Black Friday shopping included a 9am trip to Publix.
So what was it I wanted you to know?
As I was reaching for the peppermint extract, I saw three rows of almond extract...
... and I did not pick one up! I actually laughed when I saw the boxes all lined up! This time, I knew for certain that I did not need any more almond extract!
But I am nervous... about the new instinct not to buy it.
I only have two bottle left! I'm bound to be out the next time I need it...

speechless and running

The sun was dawning on this brand new day as I traced my usual path... but, in glancing up, there was nothing ordinary about the sky. Beautiful pinks and golds merged the clouds together with the sky above me... and I wish I had toted my camera on my morning walk. With my eye to the sky, I drove my daughter to school... and watched further beauty unfold... each moment seemingly more beautiful than the last. Returning... I promised myself that I would not pass up this day... this moment. Putting the car in park, I ran inside to grab my camera... and captured the beauty... or at least all the beauty that a lens will allow. And I stood... just soaking it all in... and marvelled at the heavens.
Next time a sunrise steals your breath or a meadow of flowers leaves you speechless, remain that way. Say nothing, and listen as heaven whispers, "Did you like it? I did it just for you."
-Max Lucado

back then & here and now

Spending a day (or two) down in the dumps has got me thinking... and when I think, I am bound to learn something... mostly about myself. And I realize how much of the way-back-then affects my here-and-now. Sometimes it makes sense... and sometimes it doesn't. But I am learning, just the same.
I have never been particularly self-assured. At some point in my life, my shyness shifted to a great sense of self-doubt. No matter that my Mother assured me of my beauty and my gifts... when your peers decide that your worth is based upon their own ideas, no amount of motherly love can negate it. If I am to pinpoint the moment my childhood innocence was shattered, it would bring me back to the four-square court in elementary school. A game I was not good at, but at least I kept trying. It was finally my turn... and I recall feeling relief that a very good friend was choosing the next category. I whispered to her please don't pick songs because while I did listen to a radio, I didn't know any song titles beyond Row, Row, Row Your Boat. I don't think I will ever forget the look in her eye... as she purposely looked at me and announced Song Titles. No repeats. Devastated? You bet.
Just a year or so later, we moved. And of course... I was the new girl. And all that it implies. The trying and the teasing and the friendlessness... the longing for a peace. Eventually I did find that... and quickly came to know that having just a few true friends held more value than a crowd. And those people... miles away... I still count as friends. And their friendship is beauty to my heart.
These days... I am still growing. My shyness does not last quite as long, and once you get to know me... you know all of me. But I still know the real value of a few people who you can really count on. And I suppose... that is why it hurts so much to be hurt. One small disappointment from a true friend is more painful than a slight from an acquaintance. And while it haunts my heart... I am eager to climb out up over the dark wall. And I am getting there.
Where there once was a dark wall of steel erected around my heart, the wall I am building today is one of lattice. Open to let the sun shine in... and out. Woven with vine... that is all Jesus. He covers my sorrow with His outstretched arms and leaves hope. Even now... at almost 38... I am still growing and learning and building. I am not standing still. And that is something that I am thankful for.

“Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.
John 15:5


Tuesdays are about the messy, the lovely and the unexpected. The messy? That is me. The lovely? Jesus. And as for the unexpected... I guess it could be the lesson. Or the growth itself. Unwrap a Tuesday with me... with Emily. And all the rest of the Tuesday gals.

write it down

There are exactly two full days (and some kinda half ones) before Halloween... and I, Dawn aka last Minute Lucy, have finished gathering and creating my kid's costumes. Did you hear that? Two full and some kinda half days I had left to do this... but tonight I am done. Yes. That means no last minute green paint on the crocodile ten minutes before trick-or-treat. That means no fringing of Pocahontas's' dress as she is heading out the door. Write it down. Really. Because it will probably never happen again. I can only say I was scared I wouldn't get it done... and that had to be my motivation. Between now and then, there isn't much time... in fact I am not quite sure when those pumpkins are going to turn into jack-o-lanterns. Perhaps tomorrow between 5:15 and 5:45? At least the costumes are complete. Wanna guess?


Easy, huh?

sitting in the quiet

When I woke, it was late... and the house was still quiet. It had been a long day... reaching far into the night, and if I had slept until eight, the others would be sleeping longer still. But the aloneness... it was good. The sunlight streamed through the slider and beckoned me outside. The coolness in the air surprised me, and I gathered my coffee and my book and sat... just me, in the air, and still in my pajamas. The book was propped open, and the words lay ready, but my mind sought something else. There were a million thoughts I could think to think. How to make the day better for next year. That I was happy with how hard my kids had worked. How I loved having my family lend their hands to our cause. My mind pushed the busyness away, and words began to work themselves into prayer, but the rustle through the trees shushed me. And so I listened. To the quiet. And I felt Him about me... pushing the me parts away and sharing the He parts that I needed. There I sat... legs folded beneath me... hands folded in my lap... eyes closed, with my face to the sun... and enjoyed the silence. And I breathed Him in... and all that He had to offer on this quiet, still morning that seemed created just for me.

He gives every day... and all we have to do is receive. But oftentimes... life blurs the reception and we keep running. It was gift enough... to sleep long past six. But the keeping me from my own craziness... it was another heaping of His love... and one I couldn't refuse. Tuesdays are for celebrating the little things... the overlooked moments... the simple and the necessary. Unwrap a Tuesday... come along to Chatting at the Sky.

live, laugh, love... with a little crazy mixed in for good measure

Life... it can go from quiet to crazy in the blink of an eye... and I just happen to be in the crazy phase now. School for the kids and work for the grown-ups is part of the quiet. But add in after-school programs, piano lessons, Odyssey of the Mind, confirmation class and marching band (and all that goes with it) and that is where the crazy sneaks in. Those little squares on my October calendar are full of pencil marks... and November & December? Yes, they are starting to fill up, too. Taking a closer look, those marks represent the good stuff. The events and appointments that make us who we are, or help us on our way there. Once in a while, I have a chance to sit and do nothing... but if you call me and catch me during one of those times, I'm bound to ask Where are you? Am I supposed to be there?

Laugh... I have a distinctive laugh. Okay... loud. There. I said it. But one of the perks is that in a crowded room, my friends can find me. I used to be a little self-conscious about it, but upon realizing that laughter makes my heart feel good... and crazy laughter makes me feel even better.... I pushed the trepidations aside and just let the laughter roll out. The crazy(and best!)part? Sharing that laughter with a friend. Even if it comes close to getting you kicked out of Sea World! (I think the only reason they let us stay was because they didn't want to take responsibility for our Girl Scouts!)

Love... Oh, love. What is not crazy about love? I am crazy in love with my husband... and if you mess with my kids I can go from calm to crazy in a flash. I'd be just plain old crazy without Jesus... and my love for my family leans towards crazy, too. Or maybe they are just crazy? Some of each, I think. But then there are some of the uncommon crazy-loves. Like ice cream and Sharpies... and Market Day chicken steaks. I guess I might go a little overboard... but as long as I'm loving, I may as well love with my whole heart! And if that means having a freezer full of chicken (12 boxes for the summer?)at all times, so be it. At least I know I have something to cook for dinner!

So... maybe there is more than a little crazy mixed in. But when you are measuring crazy, you have to expect to go a little over the top!

Hillary at the Other Mama wanted to talk crazy today... and she didn't want to be alone (that is no fun!) so I figured I'd share just a few crazy thoughts. I hope there won't be a vote on who is the craziest... because if it is me, I'd rather not know.

catching up

Today is Friday... and I can breathe. Although my actual breaths are still mildly labor-some, my mind is breathing easier... on a break from catching up. After a couple weeks of being sick, and missing almost three days of work, Monday found me with that deer in the headlights look. I never did write my A to Z Monday post... even though I was full of "N" ideas... like nice, and nephew, and niece. Tuesday did not find me any saner... and I know for certain that I could have used those Tuesday Eyes that Emily chatted about. As the week went on (and on and on and on) I remembered why I don't usually succumb to being sick. A Mom doesn't have time to be sick... and this one certainly doesn't have the energy to run at the pace it takes to catch up. But there doesn't seem to be a choice... so I keep on running, all the while trying to ignore that little bit of discomfort that still sets in my ears.
And after a week of checking off all of the must-do things that don't leave room for the wanna-do things, I am amazed how disconnected I feel... from my blogging friends. Because as much as I have missed writing, I have missed reading. I have missed the heart-warming comments... giving as well as receiving. And I realize that my blogging friends are not at all make-believe... they are a very present part of my real life. Some of my real-life friends probably could have told me that... since I frequently share stories and ideas that I happen across in this bloggy world.
So today is Friday... my day. And I am thankful... for the chance to catch up at my own pace, or not.

honestly...

Once and a while I stop to look at my life... and realize that I am not the person that I dreamed I would be. Like most other young women, I dreamed I would be that perfect Mom. The Mom who changes décor with the seasons. The Mom who never yells. The Mom who teaches her kids how to cook, then lets them have free reign in the kitchen. The Mom who has all of the kids over to her house. The Mom that keeps everything nice and tidy... and puts on a fabulous spread at dinner time. Are there Moms out there like this? Yes... I suppose there are.

Often... I wonder how people look at me and think I am this woman. Sure, it is a compliment that someone might think I have it all together... but is it reality? Not for me. Sure... I can pull off some extraordinary things. The best red velvet cupcakes you ever ate. A Mexican feast fit for a rowdy group of friends. Beautifully decorated cakes. Creative Halloween costumes. There are people who refer to me as “Martha Stewart.” A compliment? I suppose. But reality? Nope. Because anything extraordinary takes a great deal of effort to pull off... and I seriously do not have the motivation or the stamina to keep it up on a daily basis.

I am the Mom who has a pile of dirty dishes in the sink. I am the Mom who doesn’t keep her dust bunnies in the corner, but lets them race across the floor. I am the Mom who can’t seem to finish a Bible study that I really wanted to complete… and the Mom who hardly ever just sits with God. I am certainly thankful that He is gracious enough to put up with this... and He lets me talk to Him all day long. Lately I think... I am the Mom who needs a really good cry.

I am who I am. The girl God designed me to be… and while I am accepting her here and now, I am hoping that He isn’t quite finished with me yet. So... I am not the person I dreamed I would be… and I’m okay with that. God has a better plan that I could ever dream anyway. And He is at work in me… everyday. He makes me real. Honestly… who could ask for more?

Still wonerin' why I'm here. Still wrestling with my fear
But oh... He's up to something,
And the farther out I go, I've seen enough to know that I'm not here for nothin'
He's up to somethin'

There is hope, for me yet, because God won't forget, all the plans he's made for me
I have to wait and see, he's not finished with me yet, he's not finished with me yet
-Lyrics from Brandon Heath's Wait and See


Thanks, Kat...
for this award. That I inspire you is a gift... to my heart.

maybe i should stop to think...

When it comes to painting, or hair, I am not necessarily… careful. I do not lament over the perfect color sample… or even paint those little splotches on the wall, to see what looks best in the light. Nope… I dive in, hold my breath and tell myself that it’s only paint, and I can just paint over it. Or in the case of hair, which it was this morning, that it’ll grow back. It has been ages since I decided to let Anna cut in the bangs… and once she did, I was thrilled. I could see! And that one chunk of hair that kept separating itself from the rest finally seemed to stay in place. For a while at least. Over the past couple of weeks I have noticed that the same little chunk has decided that it needs to set itself apart again. And it has been driving me crazy. As I took the scissors (that I keep in my make-up drawer for just such a time) to my hair, I did recall that I have a hair appointment this Friday… only two days away… but I let those scissors snip away, regardless. It was only an inch or so that I added to my bangs… but holding the three inches of length, in my hand rather than on my head, stopped me in my tracks.
What did I do?
Maybe it was just the thing I needed. Or, if not, I'll just wait for it to grow back.
What bothers me more is that I am going to have to fess up on Friday…

when i was eight

It was kind of a secret... that I got to go. None of the other grandchildren were invited, or ever had been. But for some reason... they wanted to take me. And that summer, I traveled farther than I had ever traveled before. To Virginia, with my grandparents. To visit my Aunt Rose & Uncle Bill. It was a privilege to go... a huge one, and I knew it. I was the good girl. The quiet one. The one who would not think to speak up and make a fuss. Maybe that was the reason they took me...

I have such vivid memories of this trip...
staying at the Holiday Inn along the way
singing hymns in the backseat with my Golden Books Hymnal
marveling that a tunnel could run beneath the harbor
discovering the little cedar gifts in the rest stops along the way
drinking milk with ice cubes
the little girl next door having to go to the hospital in the middle of the night
finding oysters along the Chesapeake with Aunt Rose
the little captain's bed that I slept in
...and going to Busch Gardens in Williamsburg with Uncle Bill.

It felt like we were there all of ten minutes, but in retrospect, it had to have been at least a little bit longer. I recall the bright sun and the bustle of people moving through a sea of those giant tissue paper flowers. My Uncle really wanted to take me on the roller coaster, but Aunt Rose said no. I was treated to a real souvenir... a navy & light blue hat that said The Old Country, and I saw the Clydesdale horses for the first time... probably because they were near the beer tent and that was where my Grandpa was sitting, waiting for us to go. And I like to think... that I caught a glimpse of my husband.

Okay, it is probably not true. But I do so love that old episode of Mad About You when Jamie & Paul run into each other as kids in the museum on a school field trip. And Eric could have been there... at Busch Gardens... in Virginia. He was actually there that same summer. (And I can't imagine that his Dad would have missed the beer tent.) So maybe... or maybe not. Sure is fun to dream though...

i feel good

I do. Feel good. As he was driving us home from the doctor this morning, Eric looked over at me and said You feel better. And when I stopped to think about it, he was right. He usually is (don't tell him I said that!) It is one more thing, on a long list of things, that I love about him. He knows me. He knows when I am beyond handling the moment, and when I have returned to myself... and he somehow adjusts his behavior accordingly. In the aftermath of this week, I have certainly been beyond what I could handle on my own... and perhaps a little cry-babyish about it along the way. I swam in fear and worried about the pain... and I confessed those sins over and over again to God... along with apologizing for asking Him twice (or more!) when I knew He heard me the first time. And as always, I am thankful for His beautiful and bountiful grace that allows me to be the mess I am and learn from it.

And so the verdict is that I am healthy again. A short, but painful, quick fix and I am better... until the next time. But maybe I won't procrastinate as long next time. My little stretching of the urethra is practically nothing compared to so many other things that could have been wrong, or that others are going through right this very minute... but when it is you, or a friend, or a family member, even a molehill appears mountainous from the bedside. And so... with my throat feeling better from the breathing tube, and the catheter no longer strapped to my leg, I am off to live my life, and maybe clean my house... which is as covered by muck & mire as my heart has occasionally been this week.

yesterday i was supermom

There are days I feel the need to be SuperMom... and on those days there is usually some kind of lesson involved. For me. Like... you don't need to be SuperMom, you need to let Me be in control... it's My job. And for a few weeks, I sit back and let God take charge... until I feel the need to be in charge again, and mess it all up. Like yesterday. I had commitments like crazy... to a group that is close to my heart... and couldn't let down. I had lunch to serve to 30 starving band kids... and then, dinner, too. And I had to make dinner for the instructors. You know, a nice dinner. Not fancy... just good, stick-to-your-ribs food. It was the first time I was cooking for them... and if you know me, I wanted it to be impressively delicious. Not necessarily for the compliments, but just so they would know I cared.

But it was my day off.
And my kids are home.
And I was sick on my last few days off.
So, I decided to do it anyway... to fit it all in.

I worked all morning to get my dinner & desserts "almost done," then I sat down with my kids and gave them the scoop:
1. We can try to go to the water park, but here is the deal- be ready when I get home from lunch. Ready... like waiting to get in the car.
2. This is going to be a short trip... we have to be back in the car by 3pm.
3. We are really taking a chance... weather, timing, etc. It has to be go-with-the-flow.
4. And I can't go on the slides and get my hair wet... because I will not have time to shower before I have to go and serve dinner!

I could see the light in their eyes... and hear the anticipation in their voices as they scurried off to get ready. I wanted to do this for them. And for me. To give them part of my day off... just for them. I knew I could be setting myself up for disaster... possibly a major one... but for them, I had to try.

And it worked out. I felt like God indulged me. For those two hours, we floated in the lazy river... I watched my kids on the diving boards and the slides... and we floated some more. I even had time for a heart to heart with my daughter when Cam hit the slides again and Laura & I were just floating down the river, hand in hand. God knew I needed this time to play... with my kids. And I made sure that I made the most of it.

And I managed to get my food done and served on time... macaroni & cheese, two chicken & biscuit casseroles- one with broccoli, one without, and cupcakes... red velvet & pumpkin.


Yesterday I was SuperMom... it is not a job I can handle on a daily basis though. And I am thankful that God does remind me of that now and again... because it is exhausting. I fought off the exhaustion for a bit... but by 7:30 pm.... I was fast asleep.

my real life

It's almost two weeks since my kiddos have abandoned vacationing and settled back into real life... and that goes for me, too. Even though I wasn't really vacationing. It has been an adjustment... once again fitting in the "must-do's" that vacations just don't demand. Though the floor in the piano room has finally been reclaimed... the laundry has begun to pile up by the washer... and the dishes, that are once again feeding four, are seeming to overflow the sink. There are tiny action figures peeking out from beneath a sofa... and armchairs are marking time in a waiting book. Somehow, there seem to be fewer hours in the day...

But there are also more I love yous ... and helping hands. There are sweet bedtime kisses... and rumbling laughter and flying penguins. And when I take a moment to push the mess from my mind, I realize that there isn't much more in life that my heart requires...

Sitting down and searching my heart for a Tuesday gift to unwrap is one of the best parts of my week. Reflecting on what makes my heart beat... my face smile. And it teaches me to seek out the treasures that God graces us with in every day.

i've been waiting...

The tickets have been on the fridge for months... once in a while I'd unclasp them from their magnet and admire them, but simply walking past and seeing them makes me smile. But very soon... those tickets will be put to use. In fact, tonight. My husband is taking me to the PBR.

I'm not sure I ever glanced twice at a cowboy... until my son brought home a cowboy book from the library... and decided that he loved them. One day we happened across bull riding on TV, and we were hooked. Somewhere along the way though, I realized that he had moved on from the TV, and there I sat, still entranced. Camden has moved on from his red cowboy boots... and the song tells me not to let my baby grow up to be a cowboy... but I can't stop loving the sport! I think it is something about me that surprises people... that I am a bull riding fan. But I am, and I love when that cowboy completes his 8 second ride. I love these strong cowboys who do this for the love of it, and their true American spirit. I love their toughness... that an injury won't hold them back. When I think about it, I suppose it is funny... that this girl who loves the grace and elegance of figure skating also loves the toughest sport on dirt! But maybe the surprising things you learn about people are the things that make you smile...

yearbook starts with y

In just a few weeks, my high school class will meet and catch up on the last twenty years. I have to say that I am not going. I had originally planned on it. I was excited to be there. But finances got in the way. And I just felt like if I had an extra $800 laying around (hahaha!) wouldn't I rather spend it on spending time with the people I love? You know, rather than spending it on seeing people I haven't spoken to in years and years... and can visit on Facebook (yuck) if I feel the need? If I lived around the corner... or even a few states closer, I think I would go. Because yes... there are people I want to see... wanted to maybe renew a friendship with.

But I wonder... if those people I used to know... would they know me now? Would they recognize the girl who was in the woman I am? Because I have grown... a lot. I am more outspoken... more fun... more aware of who I am, and who I need to walk through each day. And if they read my words and saw my heart... would they recognize me? Or would they wonder? Years and years have passed... dreams have come and gone... life has molded and shaped me. Am I the same person? Am I different? Or am I just more?

True friends carry on... and on into your life. Those are the people who know me best... and recognize me today... as that same girl from long ago. And as I glance through my yearbook, I realize again that there is a time and season for everything...

Working my way from Z to A with Jen at Unglazed!